Coda
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CODA won the 2022 Academy Award for Best Picture, but I could care less about non-indie movie awards. It’s also about a white family in a small New England fishing town, which again, does not scream “WATCH ME NOW” to a young Asian-American woman who already feels a little suffocated from Boston’s whiteness. However, I found myself one day on a Friday night with nothing to do so I decided to watch it on Apple TV to see what all the hype was about. And wow, what a powerful movie that had me crying and touching on all the nuances of being a daughter of refugees. Didn’t see that one coming, huh? Me, either.
CODA stands for “Children of Deaf Adults” and is about a daughter who is the only hearing member of her family. She has dreams of becoming a singer and attending Berklee College of Music, but struggles with balancing pursuing her dreams and feeling responsible for the well-being of her family. Soundtrack is great.
🎶 Both Sides Now - Emilia Jones 🎶 was on repeat for a while after I saw this movie.
The constant dynamic in the movie is the desire of the protagonist wanting to be a good, dutiful daughter versus her desire to pursue her dreams to become a singer. As the only hearing member of her family, she is often put in adult situations to take care of her parents. You see scenes of her at doctor appointments, government offices, etc. translating or arguing on their behalf (all while juggling school work).
It’s something I really relate to as at such a young age I was expected to just know all the things. The monk’s R2 visa is about to expire, can you renew it or find someone who can? Your uncle needs affidavits, can you write them for the whole family? Can you imagine a 15 year old, googling “R2 visa” and “affidavit examples”, in between studying for her classes, volunteering at school, and holding down her two part time jobs?
This makes her decision, to pursue singing or stay at home and help the family, even harder because of the pressure and thought “will my family be able to survive if I am not physically here?”.
And while her relationship with her parents is not perfect, they are still extremely supportive. A big cry moment <spoiler> is when her parents attend her school’s showcase and the director cuts the sound to the whole movie so the audience can experience what it’s like for the parents. You see mouths moving, you see the protagonist singing, you see hands clapping, but you hear nothing. What a powerful way to show how parents may not understand their children’s dreams but still show up to support.
In my senior year of college, I decided that I was going to go to Laos after graduation. I declined returning job offers from internships and I refused to recruit because I knew if I had a lucrative offer, I would not go to Laos. My parents and I would argue endlessly about this decision. They feared I was throwing away my education, all my hard work, and any future job prospects - all for a country they purposely fled. Ultimately though, they weren’t financing it so I felt no obligation to defer to them. However, mid-senior year, my dad got laid off from his job. I asked them “if they needed me to work so I can help support them.” It was such an easy out for them, an easy way to say “yes” so that I wouldn’t go to Laos and I would stay on this very traditional path to making it in America. Despite all our fights, my parents said “Don’t worry about us, we’ve lived our lives and we’ll be just fine. Go live yours.” It’s a moment that stays with me to this day, 10+ years later, because it is so wise, tender, and fills me up with the knowledge that my parents love me so unconditionally. That when faced with a decision to give into their wants or my wants, they choose me.
When I think of this movie, I think of my parents' love and I think of my own sense of filial piety. I can’t escape being my family’s EA. I struggle often with how much I feel like I owe my parents and how much I owe myself. As each year passes, I get a little better at the balancing act of giving but not giving to the extreme where it affects my own wellbeing. This movie really captures the nuance of this struggle, but ultimately, it makes me cry because it reminds me of how much I love my parents and how much they love me.