Manchester by the Sea
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I will never forget how heavy my heart felt as I left the theater after watching this film. It was a new feeling…like I was at a loss of words, at a loss of how to feel, and at a loss of how to live in a world where people were hurting so much.
I remember when Manchester By the Sea first came out, there was a lot of buzz about the hyperrealism shown in the movie. From the intentionally-disorderly dialogue to the emphasis on everyday sounds, etc. For me, the ‘realest’ thing was its portrayal that you can’t always tie life into a little bow, no matter how much you want it to. It achingly grapples with the truth that some wounds may never fully heal and that some heavy realities may remain with us forever.
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My parents lost their first-born daughter in a car accident 2 years before I was born. Though my parents stayed together after the accident, by no means was it a healthy or happy household for many years after losing my sister. From what I can piece together and the remnants I could see after I was born, there understandably was a lot of pent up sadness, anger, guilt, confusion and resentment between my parents.
Despite knowing this, for many years I found it difficult to accept what seemed like my mom’s consistent depressive mood. In the same way, I think it may be difficult for many people to understand Affleck’s character. By the end of the movie there is a judgmental urge to think “How could he not take in his nephew???” By the end of the movie we’re all hoping for…more hope for him.
But over the past few years and with some incredible grief resources (Check out the podcast “Losing a Child: Always Andy’s Mom“), I think I am finally accepting my mom for where she is and also accepting that I will (hopefully) never fully know how she feels.
In “Always Andy’s Mom” it becomes so clear that losing a child is truly an unimaginable heartbreak. A grief counselor + thanatologist guest on the podcast even mentioned that in her grief center, the child grief support group is unique. It is the only group that mandates the facilitator to have personally experienced the same type of loss. I think that really reflects that understanding the grief of losing a child, can only truly come from having gone through it oneself.
This film helped me reach more acceptance of my mom and her feelings. And to challenge the urge to ask Lee to heal enough to take in his nephew. And I would say that for anyone that doesn’t understand Lee’s character at the end of the movie, to accept that. That, that is the point– you can’t understand.
Appreciation for certain scenes:
[Scene: When Lee and Randi unexpectedly run into each other on the street]
This scene that truly broke me. When Randi says “I said a lot of terrible things to you… I said things that… I should fuckin’ burn in hell for what I said to you.” I couldn’t help but think of my dad and what he must have said to my mom after the accident. Though he was coming from a place of pain, I’m sure his words have left gushing wounds in my mom and her side of the family. Although I think my parents have mostly healed their relationship (it’s been over 30 years since the accident), I do hope one day he is able to apologize to my mom the way Randi does to Lee.
[Scene: When Lee takes the gun from the police officers]
Wow this scene left me with chills. I thought it was such a powerful portrayal of the overwhelming and surreal grief and guilt one feels when you can’t face reality. And apparently this feeling is very common for bereaved parents. Breaks my heart every time.
I love you mom.
